UsefulConcept

Jen and I were asked to write a description of our Yellowstone trip for The Wire.  The Wire is a local entertainment weekly and is staffed by some cool cats.  Anyway, we happily complied and wrote a story about some buffalo we saw on the trip.  It was published while we were away, so I didn't get a chance to blog about it until now.  Since many of you don't live in the area I thought I would reprint it below as well.

A buffalo herd is a curious thing.  Like a slow moving swarm of shaggy super-cows.  One glimpse and you are in awe.  A second glance makes you want to see even more.  Big, hairy, smelly things as far as the eye can see, and they are mostly just standing around.  You have come prepared for this;  you have binoculars!  You put the binoculars to your eyes to get a better look.  Focus.  A baby near its mother... Awww.   How cute.  Scanning the horizon, you wonder where the end of their herd is.  If there is an end.  You can see fur in every direction.  People in your car are demanding the binoculars and you don't want to share.

Then you notice your friends, who have been talking loudly, have become silent.  You put down the binoculars to figure out what is going on.  That's when you realize that the buffalo are no longer standing still, but have gathered around the parade of cars.  They are surrounding your car.  You couldn't move, even if you wanted to.  The buffalo swarm is exciting, and bordering on scary.  Still, they are moving slowly and they don't smell too bad.  You notice they make an odd burping sound as they chew their cud.  Gross.   Manners, cows.

You then hear noises that are not gas or digestion related.  Loud noises.  Worrisome noises.  Noises that mean war.  You think to yourself that there is always a jerk in a crowd, and a buffalo crowd is no different. One buffalo is now challenging another.  Right along side of your car.  Fight!  Fight!  You are no longer curious about the swarm.  You are now in terrified awe of these animals that are much larger than your little car.  You are keenly aware of their horns.  Pointy horns.  You are especially aware that they are threatening each other with their pointy horns.  This is when you would normally think about backing up.  But you can't.  You are in a car surrounded by other cars.  Which are surrounded by hundreds of other buffalo.   You are at the complete and udder (Ha!) mercy of the horde.

The buffalos settle their dispute.  The loser sulks away.  In your direction.  You make eye contact.  You look down quickly.  Damn it, why did you make eye contact?  Mr. Shamed Buffalo is now trotting towards you.  Looking at you. With intent.  He is playing chicken with the car.  The car you can't move.  You roll up the window.  You start to squeal.  Someone in the back seat says 'oh shit'.  Everyone leans over to the other side of the car.  Lucky for you Mr. Shamed Buffalo is a double loser, or realizes he can't play chicken with a stationary car.  He bails at hitting the car and darts around the back at the last second.  You swear he tries to hip check your bumper.  You are still squealing.

Everyone in the chants 'YES!' among many other choice words.  The passengers in the nearby cars are looking at you and pointing.  Excited for your experience.  Happy you didn't die.  Or just laughing at your squealing.  You couldn't agree more.  Coolest thing ever.  Wait, who got a picture of that?   Crap.

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